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How did that happen? Last I checked it was September. Well. Here's a happy little life changing post; I am going back to school to train to be a working part of society instead of a free loading hippy artist. even though I've never been a hippy.
At this time I have art work in four different businesses in the city including the Nevada Museum of Art but would it surprise you that it brings in a heartbreakingly low amount of money? The museum takes fifty percent of the profit and people still aren't buying like they used to.

The local artist crafting business that has the stranglehold for revenue in this city is officially on bad terms with me (rather me and the manager who took an irrational dislike towards me) you know, the one where you have to donate fifty dollars worth of merchandise for a 'swag bag', where you HAVE TO volunteer twenty five hours for menial labor along with fees for a table, selling license and any other little thing she could think of?

yea. that one. that actually could have been a real start for a true business so I'm more than a little sad that the owner/manager/whatever you want to call her ended up on bad terms with me. Plus I told my friends that if I ever signed up again for a convention/craft fair with them they have permission to beat me over the head until I come to my senses. THREE TIMES and all three time I have sold with that group it turned out badly.

I am burned out. If I have to sit at that sewing machine for anything other than something that makes me happy or a gift for a friend I'll go crazy. There is something very depressing about selling your work when you get nothing but hagglers and people telling you it's too much money and it's not that great and I Could Get It Cheaper at Wal-Mart. So, back to hobby art for now.


The last art piece I made for the museum: clock work bird. Actually I have a clockwork Octopus too. So Secondary Education Master's Degree is for me. Pity the poor bastards that get me as an Art Teacher. I'm actually having a lot of fun carving my way back into higher education; red tape ahoy! Next will be wrangling a grant and finding work on campus. This should be interesting.

Dec. 4th, 2012

Someday I'm going to learn to stop commenting in forums, really I am. Or maybe I'll sit down and marvel that on the internet everybody loves to disagree and derail.

I read a lot of blogs/online magazines. Some of them happen to be feminist orientated. On one such blog there was a discussion about being child-free by choice and how when a women chooses said lifestyle (like I have) there is a lot of judgement. One of the most common things you will hear is, 'if you don't have kids who will take care of you when you get old' and it always reminds me of my neighbor, so I wrote about it:

You know, every time I hear that comment - 'who will take care of you when you get old' it brings up a nice little story about my next door neighbor.
Her name was Ruth and she was 86 years old. She had eight brothers and about ten million nieces and nephews. She had one daughter and son-in-law. She was also the loneliest person I've ever met. Her husband had passed away. She was the last surviving member of her immediate family (not including the bazillion nieces/nephews and her daughter) NO ONE visited her. Eight years my family and I lived next to her and I NEVER saw her family. In fact, my mother, father and I were her family. WE took care of her - shoveled her driveway, made her food, visited her (she said she would go months without speaking to anther human being) Her daughter visited maybe once a year and that was to berate her mother into going to a doctor.
What I will never forget is the day she left. She was undoubtedly having trouble taking care of herself, so her daughter and husband had been visiting more frequently and had been getting into more fights. On this day whatever Ruth's daughter said or did upset Ruth so much that she shoved or hit her daughter. Her daughter called the police and had her arrested.
While her 86 year old mother was in jail she and her husband took the opportunity to clean out her house, pack a suitcase and the moment she was out of jail, ship her off to a retirement home.
We never saw Ruth again. and there wasn't much we could do about it. Since this was six years ago or so I assume she's dead now. She was the sweetest lady I'd ever met.

So yeah, tell me again how my kids will take care of me when I'm old. Or, screw that, I'm not having kids and you can take your preconceived notions of what's good for my life and shove em up your ass.

It was one of the most powerful things I've ever had happen in my life and drives home a really important point; there are no guarantees in life, even in old age struggle will never leave you (and in fact can be worse).

the moderater replied with:

She was the sweetest lady I'd ever met.

And, as in the way of families, she might have been nothing but that sweet lady to you, while to her daughter, she could have been the source of much hurt and abuse that you never saw, because it was contained within the family.

Parents and children can have unique relationships with patterns of dysfunction that don't replicate, or aren't visible, outside the nuclear family.

I have now been estranged from my parents for a little over a year. The last time I saw either one of them was when my father ambushed me at my house, unannounced, to bellow uncontrollably at me for holding firm boundaries around emotional honesty not bending to his will.

They are considered by many people to be extremely nice people -- and quite understandably, since my parents are generally nice people to others and don't volunteer their profound failures as parents. Like, for instance, my father pushing his way into the home of his daughter with PTSD to scream at her like a fucking lunatic.

I am considered to be a horrible daughter who has done an unforgivable thing by severing communication with my extremely nice parents.

That's not to say there aren't cases where children are just straight-up assholes to their parents. It's only to say that we can't easily know what's inside someone else's parent-child relationship, just like we can't easily know what's inside someone else's marriage.

Which is, as you say, all the more reason not to audit someone else's reproductive choices.

I agree with her points; you don't always know what's underneath a family. but the thing is we DID know; we knew Ruth, we knew her daughter, talked to her on many occasions and she wasn't a nice person. Ruth said many times that when they adopted (twins, her sister died) she had emotional problems as a child, and as an adult. but we knew the family. Knew Ruth for eight years and I think I'm a pretty damn good judge of character and when I say she was the sweetest person it's because she was and because it was her generation. That's how you were raised in the 20's/30's - women/girls had it hammered into them to be nice/loving/considerate. God, read any female oriented book from that era and it's all about friendship and community. it just feels like I've just been told 'you don't know what you're talking about' and my comment was hijacked for her personal story of how SHE'S the demonized daughter in her family and you-don't-know-what-you're-talking about, the daughter is probably a really nice person and why are you judging these people!??!

This happens A LOT. I have emotional reactions to the things I read and sometimes (stupidly haha) I write an emotional response. I think I had better stop doing that because everytime I write something I feel is important and may contribute to a meaningful conversation I get responses like this or straight up negative near-trolling.

Also, I'm sensitive and I guess I need to learn to take criticism better. It just feels like when I make an effort (hello, introverted here) to be part of an important conversation I'm always met with backlash. There was another time when I commented on how much I hate ABC's new shows (what's the new fairytale one? Everafter or something?) because it's just the same old recycled bullshit that pegs women in the same old roles, doing the same old society approved female adventuring which usually includes motherhood when not every single female on the planet is a mother or wants to be a mother.

Damn, did I piss off some people. Why do I hate mothers so much? What the hell was wrong with me, with my attitude? I don't appreciate... bla bla bla ect. ect.

Such is the internet, I suppose. It just feels like on the internet everyone lives to troll or disagree.

apparently I need to write dirty Twilight fanfiction - yet another fanfic has been picked up for publication along the Fifty Shades of Grey line. I may puke.
Today I learned, while walking through the supermarket, that Fifty Shades of Gray has it's own magazine. With hawt sex tips that rank up there with Cosmo. Thus, my faith in the intelligence of humanity remains near the zero mark.
(I've actually rented that book from the library and honestly could NOT get through the whole thing. My GOD what happened to us as a society that I hear people talking about how wonderful and edgy and hardcore this book is?)
Has anyone seen my copy of 1984? nothing so frustrating when I want to revisit a book and I can't find it. bugger, now I have to go and tear my house apart.
wow, I had almost forgotten what depression was. Having one of those low moments. Where, you know, it feels like nothing is going to change, you'll be stuck in the same place as you were except that's one more birthday inching closer to middle-age, one more day where no one was interested, where people don't really seem to give a damn.

Trying to get money or work and it doesn't really seem to be working. Every day is a push closer towards working a job that won't last, that is hateful, that is a test to see how long I can take it before I just never come back paycheck be damned. Had plenty of those jobs, thought having a degree would change it. Guess not.

Have lots of relatives visiting and am SO looking foward to another round of 'yes, its been yet another year of no, I'm not married, no, I didn't get that job I thought I was going to get and wow, NO nothing has changed the last time I saw you because apparently I'm a complete failure of humanity.'

This is a very low day. Pardon me while I go cry in a corner.

Bit of a mouthful isn't it? Following the fine tradition of the anime FLCL you have to watch it through a couple of times before you unwind the plots, subplots and niggling details you miss while being blindsided by the back and forth storyline and dialogue. BUT it's worth it.
Koyomi Araragi, after surviving a vampire attack over summer vacation, has been landed in all sorts of paranormal trouble. AND girl trouble, oh dear. This is a really interesting anime. The long drawn out dialogue is troublesome to follow, and may be of more interest to young adults who are learning to establish social connections but when the plot moves damn is it fun.

It's beautifully portrayed, plot wise and stylistically - there's just enough violence and craziness salted in at the right moment to keep you hooked AND not to mention interesting and strange characters. Even though the male protag. has fallen into a harem trope not all of the female characters are gunning to romance him - in fact, one of them tries her damndest to kill him after realizing the female lead has a romantic interest in him, not her. Add in a dash of mystery as some things never get explained and the viewer is left to his or her own imagination and we have an anime worth watching.

And then we get wonderful fan creations like this youtube video:

And that is my recommendation for today.

The ugly world of job seeking

I had a brief moment of glory this week. The job I got fired from was hiring and this time, instead of part-time student employment it was full-time, with benefits, actually part of the University system employment. Same exact position I worked with before. I had thought (haha) that having actually worked the job they were seeking employment for I was a good candidate - you know, having done the job and all it requires previously. So all this week I've been waiting somewhat- okay, pretty damned anxiously for a reply or (God, please) an interview.

Instead got an email just now that included:

Application does not describe experiences working in a team environment. Thus, the responses are incomplete. The application warned that failure to submit complete statements would result in the rejection of the application. (7/18)


Feeling really special right now. What the flaming hell did they want me to say? I gave them a pretty damned detailed entry on my position, my responsibilities and, oh did I also mention I've worked there already? Apparently this does not make me qualified and it is back to unemployment and having stress dreams about how the hell I'm supposed to pay for food and car insurance.

artistic differences

Craft faire-palooza wasn't as bad as the Earth Day one buuut it's pretty certain that I won't be participating in that group any longer. Made, haha, exactly 48 dollars. Failure to bring in much money is due to a few factors; location (a place where I've never heard of, someone who has lived here for over ten years AND the fact that the warehouse in which we were selling at we were placed in the very back 'library'. most of the people who wandered in were surprised we were even there claiming that they thought it was an office and/or off limits), clientele (craft buyers, people who were interested in knitted tea cozies and jewelery) and not being part of 'the group'. You ever get that vague feeling that you just don't belong within that group? This is what I picked up that day. The Queen shared my cell-er selling space with me and when I tried to be funny (big mistake) she would give me a look and call me 'silly'

The ladies of the crafting circle are selling things that I have no part of; child-care related, cards, candles and jewelry. I can do jewelry its just that I told the Queen I wouldn't compete with her.
By the end of the day she had her back turned to me and refused to say anything even as I left. Little things led up to that moment; my mother, who was sharing a table with me, brought Steampunk watches that had been made into a pin. The Queen had done the same thing so she was upset about that.
She was upset that I wanted to fill out the tax forms at the fair when she hadn't brought them with her.
She was upset that the location she chose was obviously a bad one when no one was making very many sells. and I may have accidently let slip out how slow it was and how cramped I was squashed between my table, the doorway and a bookcase.
She was REALLY upset when my friends stopped by and sort of took over the room (I mean I have a set of twins as friends and when they enter a room its an instant party). Here she said abruptly, 'its too crowded in here' and didn't come back for an hour.
Lastly when it was obvious no one was going to buy anything or stop by my mother and I packed up early only to get yelled at by the Queen that we weren't 'allowed' to leave early.
Sooo, yea. I gave it a good whirl. On to other things.

On Tuesday I will be taking off for Florida to visit my brother who is doing military type things in Panama Beach. Am looking forward to that (Ripley's Believe it or Not!!) and will be gone for a week or so. THEN it's serious job hunting mode. yay.

So over this.

Last minute email from the crafting regime:

We can arrive at Holland starting at 7:30 am Sunday. I will be there then, coffee in hand and and ready to shine! If you still owe volunteer time (if you have not been to a work night, hung all of your posters, etc), please join me at 7:30. Please don't be late, as we have a lot of set up to do, and I can really use all hands on deck. I have been to everything, and will still be there at 7:30, so will be unsympathetic to your yawns.

So am I wrong in being mildly annoyed by this person? At any rate this is seriously the last show I do with them.